Repair is a concept that resonates deeply, especially when we consider everyday fixes – mending a car, fixing a device, or even recovering from a bad haircut. In relationships, however, “repair” takes on a more nuanced meaning. It’s less about fixing something broken and more about gently guiding things back on course after disagreements or misunderstandings.
What Exactly is a Repair Attempt?
Relationship masters are adept at early and frequent repair attempts, employing a wide array of strategies. Dr. John Gottman defines a repair attempt as “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” The beauty of this concept lies in the word “any,” highlighting the vast creative possibilities. Because each relationship is unique, discovering repair strategies that resonate with you and your partner can become a special, shared journey.
However, engaging in repair attempts requires the right mindset. Think about those days when everything seems to go wrong, stress levels are high, and tensions are frayed. In such moments, even something as simple as initiating a repair attempt can feel challenging.
Why Are Repair Attempts Effective?
A book, Finite and Infinite Games by James Carse, gifted by a therapist, provides insightful context. Carse proposes that we are constantly engaged in either finite or infinite games. Finite games have clear boundaries, predetermined rules, penalties for violations, specific time limits, and the objective is to win. Think of sports like football or competitive games.
Infinite games, conversely, are boundless and fluid. Rules are player-defined and adaptable. The goal isn’t to win, but to sustain the game itself. Relationships, like life, are infinite games. Carse suggests that “if you must play, then you cannot play,” emphasizing cooperation, intentionality, and mutual agreement. Partners cannot be forced to adhere to unspoken rules; instead, they must collaborate to establish rules that ensure the relationship’s continuation.
How to Utilize a “Repair Checklist”
Repairing relationship rifts is fundamentally about establishing shared rules. The Gottman Institute offers a valuable tool: the Repair Checklist. This checklist categorizes phrases under headings like “I FEEL,” “SORRY,” and “GET TO YES.” The idea is that as conversations become heated, you can consult this list to identify potentially effective phrases.
Gottman Repair Checklist
The “STOP ACTION” category is particularly useful for interrupting escalating arguments before either partner becomes overwhelmed, allowing for redirection of the conversation. By reviewing the list together, you and your partner can decide which phrases resonate and which might not. You might agree, “Phrases #3, #6, and #11 seem helpful for calming me down, but #10 would likely make things worse.” (Notably, “calm down” isn’t on the list, as it’s rarely effective.) This collaborative process of using the Repair Checklist exemplifies shaping an infinite game by creating shared rules.
However, you’re not confined to the checklist. One couple I counsel, who met at a Super Bowl party, uses “throwing a flag” as their stop action technique. They have a yellow penalty flag, and either partner can “throw” it to prevent arguments from escalating. This works because they mutually agreed upon and adhere to this unique rule.
The Critical Importance of Repair Attempts in Relationships
Regardless of the specific strategies you adopt, mastering both giving and receiving repair attempts is paramount. Gottman’s research indicates that the consistent failure of repair attempts is a strong predictor of relationship unhappiness. While a marriage can withstand The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), effective repair attempts are essential. Without them, relationships can become trapped in a destructive “finite game,” where even if one partner “wins” an argument, both ultimately lose.
Playing the infinite game of relationships is inherently complex, demanding creativity and ongoing effort. Start simply by recognizing that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Brainstorm fun, personalized strategies that work for you and your partner. Perhaps it’s a bit ironic that “play” becomes the real work in a relationship, but embracing this playful approach can prolong your connection and cultivate deeper trust and intimacy.
